


A Life Without Him

by alexcat



Series: Cap - Iron Man Bingo 2019 (2) [1]
Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Angst, M/M, Self-Reflection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-24
Updated: 2019-09-24
Packaged: 2020-10-27 16:15:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 511
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20763251
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/alexcat/pseuds/alexcat
Summary: Steve thinks of all the pain he's caused Tony and so many others as well.





	A Life Without Him

**Author's Note:**

> For Cap-Ironman Bingo! 2019 Round 2
> 
> Prompt - canon MCU (Post CA:CW)
> 
> STONY is canon... right?

_Everything special about you came out of a bottle_

Steve wished he’d never heard Tony utter those words, and not because they weren’t true. Even after all this time, he often thought they might be the only truth he knew. 

There were days he longed to be that kid from Brooklyn again, the skinny one Peggy Carter and Dr. Erskine had chosen to try out the serum. Since them, he had done so many awful things – more than he wanted to admit. He’d hurt people he loved. He’d killed people and carelessly left so much carnage behind him that it was hard to tell who the villain was anymore. 

He caught the sob that threatened to escape at the thought of the pain he caused those he loved, those who loved him. 

Would Siberia always be an open wound? Had he beaten Tony because he feared for Bucky? Or because he already knew he’d lost Tony, no matter what? He didn’t have an answer. He wasn’t sure there was one.

Had he become a monster? He had read Mary Shelley’s _Frankenstein_ and wondered if Dr. Erskine had lived, would he have regretted his choices as Frankenstein did? Was Schmidt the worst monster he created? Or was he? He didn’t know the answer to that question either.

His actions had resulted in so much pain. To Tony. To Wanda. Rhodes… the list went on and on. He had been in charge when things went wrong. He was to blame and he had shoulders strong enough to bear the load of guilt and shame. He knew he could take all the blame if he needed to, if the others needed him to. 

He considered those things to be the price he paid. He should be dead and yet, here he was. He was not a man out of time, a man who needed a war. He was a dead man walking, a man whose days were numbered, yet he could not die. 

He knew he was getting maudlin. He also knew he was wallowing in self-pity. He was strong. He could do that, too. 

He reached into his pocket and took out a photo, one he’d never showed to anyone else. 

It was him and Tony at the shawarma restaurant after the battle of New York. Natasha had taken it and uploaded it to everyone’s phones and he’d printed it and stuck it in his wallet. They looked tired and dirty, but they’d smiled, exhausted smiles of the triumphant. He knew he loved Tony that day.

The sob he’d held back did escape this time. His life flashed before his eyes as if he were dying. Stolen kisses, secret meetings, moans of pleasure, dark eyes looking into his soul – they all flashed before his eyes. 

He shoved the picture back into his wallet and stood, running his fingers through his long, now dark hair. He couldn’t fix what he’d broken. He couldn’t go back and make it right. Not this time. 

And he couldn’t think about a life without Tony Stark in it.

**Author's Note:**

> My [**Tumblr**](https://www.tumblr.com/blog/alexcat45).


End file.
